1. It’s a new year.
2. You’d think that after that LAST year, the Internet would have had enough of lists.
3. But they haven’t. The Internet is still all about lists. There are lists of lists. There are lists of lists of lists. There are lists of cats who make lists about other cats who love Liszt. (Maybe not that last one, but who knows? The Internet is GIGANTIC. And it is mostly lists. And cats.)
4. Due to their prevalence (see items 1-3), Neutrons/ Protons is proud to unveil its second (2nd) issue entirely devoted to and made up of LISTS. That’s right. JUST. LISTS.
5. If you hate lists, don’t worry: we satirize the hell out of them here. We’re going to make you love to hate them. We’re going to serve your hatred of lists so hard you’re going to feel totally satisfied.
6. That said, we also have some serious lists, and some downright literary lists. There’s even one totally earnest list in there — an actual, VH1-in-the-early-aughts-style countdown LIST. So get ready.
7. We solicited lists throughout the month of December, and we got a TON. We only picked the best to publish, and we RANKED them. (That’s what lists are all about, after all: pure judgement.)
7a. For the first week in January, we’re unveiling our honorable mentions. (We’re printing 11, for good measure. It was hard to pick just 11!)
7b. In the second week, we’ll print the lists that ranked 10-6.
7c. In the third week, we’ll print the top 5.
7d. Finally, we’ll print our editors’ lists. Because even editors can’t resist a list!
8. We hope you enjoy this annual celebration of everything wrong with the Worldwide Web. And if you don’t, that’s OK. You’re still on our list of favorites.
PS: You may have noticed we have a new website! We’re still working on getting over a year’s worth of content moved over to our new home, so you may not see all of the backissues, and there are probably some technical snafus lingering that we haven’t caught yet. But, we’re on it! Thanks for your patience, and feel free to email us if you catch something.
by Ariel Elias
My routine every morning begins with hitting the snooze button, asking, begging for ten more minutes of sleep. Never mind that studies say you end up more tired throughout the day than if you had woken up at the first alarm. I don’t care.
by Cary Tilton
• In my sleep
My #1 favorite cry of the year, because a) I learned something (that you can cry in your sleep!) and b) the horrible stress dream I had wasn’t real.
by Liz Magee
by Kathryn Harper
10. That Sideways Running Thing
You know the one. I’ve never seen any other animal do it (at least not on purpose) and it’s really weird but I’m also kind of into it because there is no reason people should teach them to do that but for like hundreds of years or something, fancy show horses have been trained for the fancy sideways running thing.
by Sarah Binns
10. Edmund Spenser’s 16th century epic poem, The Faerie Queene, is an homage to one of history’s original powerful and bad-ass women, Queen Elizabeth I of England. She appears in the text, however thinly disguised, as “Gloriana,” the titular and virtuous queen of the fairies. It is not known if Elizabeth read any of the poem, but I’d like to believe she did.
by Micheal Foulk
This year I made the choice (mistake) to spend some time being a freelance (unemployed) writer and actor.
Something I quickly learned that in between gigs (local credit union commercials) I tended to become very stir crazy (deeply depressed) and I had a hard time finding motivation (trying at all). So I’ve compiled this list of awesome (passable) tactics (bullshit) to fight (postpone) the freelance (unemployed) blues (descent into madness). Please enjoy (hold on one more day).
by Anthony Scontrino
10. Driving Home From Work
After a normal day of work as a delivery person, I decided to listen to the album Run The Jewels 2 on my ride home. I found that this gave me the confidence to tackle any obstacle that may cross my path without a second thought. The world was open to my interpretation.
by Luke Hoar de Galvan
by Amanda Golob
Top 10 things of 2014 I have said to my cat that my now ex-girlfriend thought I was saying to her.
by Sam Gordon
by Alexis Johnson and Robert Hopson
10. This fish is like, “Yo, I’m a cool guy.”
9. This fish could be your neighbor:
8. This fish had the most pokes in 2014:
7. This fish figured out relativity in 2014!!
6. This fish actually won the Nicky Minaj lookalike contest
5. Keep it real, Wendell. (Wendell doesn’t stick out in a crowd but he’s real cool. I had brunch withhim once. He told me “Follow your dreams!” and I was so inspired that I went home and took anap. I had a dream that I had brunch with a fish, and I was like, OMG WENDELL HOW DID YOU KNOW.)
4. This fish won a babysitting prize:
3. This naked mole rat:
2. This fish wrote a book about scenic canyons in 2014:
1. Clearly, this is the number one choice:
Honorable mention: This isn’t a fish.
Alexis Johnson and Robert Hopson have been researching fish coolness for the last 13 decades. In their research, they have discovered many things about the coolness of fish. For instance, fish live in water. Some fish are multicolored. Etc. In their spare time, you can find them deep sea diving or saving beached whales.
by Jim Landwehr
1. “I know, right?”
This is one of the more redundant acknowledgements ever known to mankind. If you know, just nod your head and say yes. Furthermore, if you told me a story and I tell you that it’s funny, the fact that you say, “I know right?” is a bit of overkill, because I already told you. Why do you have to validate your own story? It’s just stupid. (Now you answer, “I know, right?”)
by Ingrid Jendrzejewski
10. Neilson families do not all have the last name Neilson. Hey, at least I wasn’t the only one.
9. M&Ms melt in your mouth, not in your hands: FALSE! They will also happily melt into your carpet, if it’s warm enough or if you put them near the space heater.
by Erin Wilson
10. Hotel Pools
Sneaking into hotel pools in the heat of summer will not only provide relief in six feet of tepid water, but it will also provide a jolt of adrenaline that hopefully your crush will mistake for a desire to kiss you.
by Valerie Boucvalt
Each of us wants to make the short time that we have in this life meaningful, and for many of us, that means setting goals and dreaming dreams. Some of those dreams are wild and seemingly out of reach, and some are attainable in the here and now with the right amount of hard work and hustle.
by Britt Wright
The year 2014 was the year that I gave up meat. Not that I was a huge carnivore prior to this year, but I did eat poultry and bacon, on the regular.
by Mysha Oveson
by Alicia Hawkes
by Katie DeBruhl
10. She pukes all the time on my white carpet.
I have four other carpet options in the house. This is a decided and dedicated maneuver.