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the LISTS ISSUE

1. It’s a new year.

 

2. You’d think that after that LAST year, the Internet would have had enough of lists.

 

3. But they haven’t. The Internet is still all about lists. There are lists of lists. There are lists of lists of lists. There are lists of cats who make lists about other cats who love Liszt. (Maybe not that last one, but who knows? The Internet is GIGANTIC. And it is mostly lists. And cats.)

 

4. Due to their prevalence (see items 1-3), Neutrons/ Protons is proud to unveil its second (2nd) issue entirely devoted to and made up of LISTS. That’s right. JUST. LISTS.

 

5. If you hate lists, don’t worry: we satirize the hell out of them here. We’re going to make you love to hate them. We’re going to serve your hatred of lists so hard you’re going to feel totally satisfied.

 

6. That said, we also have some serious lists, and some downright literary lists. There’s even one totally earnest list in there — an actual, VH1-in-the-early-aughts-style countdown LIST. So get ready.

 

7. We solicited lists throughout the month of December, and we got a TON. We only picked the best to publish, and we RANKED them. (That’s what lists are all about, after all: pure judgement.)

 

7a. For the first week in January, we’re unveiling our honorable mentions. (We’re printing 11, for good measure. It was hard to pick just 11!)
7b. In the second week, we’ll print the lists that ranked 10-6.
7c. In the third week, we’ll print the top 5.
7d. Finally, we’ll print our editors’ lists. Because even editors can’t resist a list!

8. We hope you enjoy this annual celebration of everything wrong with the Worldwide Web. And if you don’t, that’s OK. You’re still on our list of favorites.


PS: You may have noticed we have a new  website! We’re still working on getting over a year’s worth of content moved over to our new home, so you may not see all of the backissues, and there are probably some technical snafus lingering that we haven’t caught yet. But, we’re on it! Thanks for your patience, and feel free to email us if you catch something.

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Staff Lists

NUMBER ONE: Top 10 Worst Nights of Sleep in 2014

by Ariel Elias

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NUMBER ONE: Top 10 Worst Nights of Sleep in 2014

My routine every morning begins with hitting the snooze button, asking, begging for ten more minutes of sleep. Never mind that studies say you end up more tired throughout the day than if you had woken up at the first alarm. I don’t care.


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NUMBER TWO: A Condensed List of Places I’ve Cried This Year

by Cary Tilton

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NUMBER TWO: A Condensed List of Places I’ve Cried This Year

 

• In my sleep

My #1 favorite cry of the year, because a) I learned something (that you can cry in your sleep!) and b) the horrible stress dream I had wasn’t real.


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NUMBER THREE: My Top 10 Texts of 2014

by Liz Magee

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NUMBER THREE: My Top 10 Texts of 2014

“Haha, I just realized that yesterday I was wearing the scarf you had given me!”

Sent to my ex boyfriend on Friday, January 3rd at 9:58pm

I know. But I haven’t texted him since!


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NUMBER FOUR: Top 10 Things Only Horses Can Do

by Kathryn Harper

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NUMBER FOUR: Top 10 Things Only Horses Can Do

 

10. That Sideways Running Thing

You know the one. I’ve never seen any other animal do it (at least not on purpose) and it’s really weird but I’m also kind of into it because there is no reason people should teach them to do that but for like hundreds of years or something, fancy show horses have been trained for the fancy sideways running thing.


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NUMBER FIVE: 10 Facts I Learned and Still Remember from My College Classes (That May or May Not be Remembered Accurately)

by Sarah Binns

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NUMBER FIVE: 10 Facts I Learned and Still Remember from My College Classes (That May or May Not be Remembered Accurately)

10. Edmund Spenser’s 16th century epic poem, The Faerie Queene, is an homage to one of history’s original powerful and bad-ass women, Queen Elizabeth I of England. She appears in the text, however thinly disguised, as “Gloriana,” the titular and virtuous queen of the fairies. It is not known if Elizabeth read any of the poem, but I’d like to believe she did.


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NUMBER SIX: Top 10 Ways To Fight Freelance (Unemployment) Blues

by Micheal Foulk

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NUMBER SIX: Top 10 Ways To Fight Freelance (Unemployment) Blues

This year I made the choice (mistake) to spend some time being a freelance (unemployed) writer and actor.
Something I quickly learned that in between gigs (local credit union commercials) I tended to become very stir crazy (deeply depressed) and I had a hard time finding motivation (trying at all). So I’ve compiled this list of awesome (passable) tactics (bullshit) to fight (postpone) the freelance (unemployed) blues (descent into madness). Please enjoy (hold on one more day).


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NUMBER SEVEN: Top 10 Times I Felt Unbridled Power and Potential

by Anthony Scontrino

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NUMBER SEVEN: Top 10 Times I Felt Unbridled Power and Potential

10. Driving Home From Work

After a normal day of work as a delivery person, I decided to listen to the album Run The Jewels 2 on my ride home. I found that this gave me the confidence to tackle any obstacle that may cross my path without a second thought. The world was open to my interpretation.


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NUMBER EIGHT: My Top 10 Podcasts of 2014

by Luke Hoar de Galvan

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NUMBER EIGHT: My Top 10 Podcasts of 2014

2014 was the year that podcasts really took off so in honor of that I present my podcast top 10.


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NUMBER NINE: Top 10 things of 2014 I have said to my cat that my now ex-girlfriend thought I was saying to her

by Amanda Golob

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NUMBER NINE: Top 10 things of 2014 I have said to my cat that my now ex-girlfriend thought I was saying to her

Top 10 things of 2014 I have said to my cat that my now ex-girlfriend thought I was saying to her.


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NUMBER TEN: Stuff White People Like Redux

by Sam Gordon

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NUMBER TEN: Stuff White People Like Redux

  1. Law & Order marathons Learning to name a body criminal

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NUMBER ELEVEN: Top 10 Fish of 2014

by Alexis Johnson and Robert Hopson

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NUMBER ELEVEN: Top 10 Fish of 2014

10. This fish is like, “Yo, I’m a cool guy.”

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9. This fish could be your neighbor:

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8. This fish had the most pokes in 2014:

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7. This fish figured out relativity in 2014!!

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6. This fish actually won the Nicky Minaj lookalike contest

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5. Keep it real, Wendell. (Wendell doesn’t stick out in a crowd but he’s real cool. I had brunch withhim once. He told me “Follow your dreams!” and I was so inspired that I went home and took anap. I had a dream that I had brunch with a fish, and I was like, OMG WENDELL HOW DID YOU KNOW.)

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4. This fish won a babysitting prize:

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3. This naked mole rat:

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2. This fish wrote a book about scenic canyons in 2014:

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1. Clearly, this is the number one choice:

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Honorable mention: This isn’t a fish.

honorablemention

 

Alexis Johnson and Robert Hopson have been researching fish coolness for the last 13 decades. In their research, they have discovered many things about the coolness of fish. For instance, fish live in water. Some fish are multicolored. Etc. In their spare time, you can find them deep sea diving or saving beached whales.

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Top 10 Most Annoying Phrases and Words) of 2014

by Jim Landwehr

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Top 10 Most Annoying Phrases and Words) of 2014

1. “I know, right?”

This is one of the more redundant acknowledgements ever known to mankind. If you know, just nod your head and say yes. Furthermore, if you told me a story and I tell you that it’s funny, the fact that you say, “I know right?” is a bit of overkill, because I already told you. Why do you have to validate your own story? It’s just stupid. (Now you answer, “I know, right?”)


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10 Things I Learned in 2014 That I Wish I Hadn’t

by Ingrid Jendrzejewski

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10 Things I Learned in 2014 That I Wish I Hadn’t

10. Neilson families do not all have the last name Neilson. Hey, at least I wasn’t the only one.

9. M&Ms melt in your mouth, not in your hands: FALSE! They will also happily melt into your carpet, if it’s warm enough or if you put them near the space heater.


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The Erin K Wilson School of Seduction’s Ten Best Moves of 2014

by Erin Wilson

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The Erin K Wilson School of Seduction’s Ten Best Moves of 2014

10. Hotel Pools

Sneaking into hotel pools in the heat of summer will not only provide relief in six feet of tepid water, but it will also provide a jolt of adrenaline that hopefully your crush will mistake for a desire to kiss you.


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Top 10 Things More Important Than My Dreams in 2014

by Valerie Boucvalt

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Top 10 Things More Important Than My Dreams in 2014

Each of us wants to make the short time that we have in this life meaningful, and for many of us, that means setting goals and dreaming dreams. Some of those dreams are wild and seemingly out of reach, and some are attainable in the here and now with the right amount of hard work and hustle. 


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Top 10 Things I Ate This Year that Didn’t Include Meat

by Britt Wright

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Top 10 Things I Ate This Year that Didn’t Include Meat

The year 2014 was the year that I gave up meat. Not that I was a huge carnivore prior to this year, but I did eat poultry and bacon, on the regular.


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Top 10 Reasons I Didn’t Reach My Goals in 2014

by Mysha Oveson

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Top 10 Reasons I Didn’t Reach My Goals in 2014

#10. I started late… like, August late… leaving me less than the optimal amount of time to complete a years worth of goals.


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Top 10 Imaginary Songs of 2014

by Alicia Hawkes

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Top 10 Imaginary Songs of 2014

1. “Organic Dong” by aWarEne$$

A consciousness-raising anthem for the new generation. This song sounds like if Woody Guthrie and Papa Roach made love and gave birth to a million dollar bill.


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Top 10 Reasons Why My Cat is a Bigger Bitch Than the Popular Girls

by Katie DeBruhl

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Top 10 Reasons Why My Cat is a Bigger Bitch Than the Popular Girls

10. She pukes all the time on my white carpet.

I have four other carpet options in the house. This is a decided and dedicated maneuver.


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Top 11 Ways I Almost Died In 2014

Alex Falcone

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Top 11 Ways I Almost Died In 2014

1. Texting and climbing the stairs to my apartment

2. Listening to Pop Divas Pandora station while biking in a crowded urban environment

3. Trying to get the squished half of a bagel out of the toaster with a fork


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Great-Aunt Gracie’s Top 10 Fingers of 2014

by Andrea Laurion

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Great-Aunt Gracie’s Top 10 Fingers of 2014

10. Left thumb (“This hang nail’s been killing me for weeks.”)

9. Left pinkie (“I’m a righty. This little guy is useless.”)


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