Maybe Hell: the Possible States of Eternal Damnation

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On April 16, Sony Pictures will release “Heaven is for Real“, a movie chronicling the amazing true story of a 4-year-old boy who glimpsed heaven during an emergency surgery.  Amid all the excitement over the film’s release, I personally worry that perhaps we are overlooking some troubling implications of this young boy’s revelation.  If indeed heaven is real, then so too is hell.

 

In an attempt to balance the discourse, and better prepare us all for what lies beyond this world, I have resumed the work of Dante.  Below I have prepared a list detailing the possible states of the unrelenting doom that awaits at least 50 percent of our readers.  You’re welcome. Enjoy.
Maybe, just maybe, hell is…

 

  • A world in which cockroaches are bigger than humans.
  • A Christmas morning in which all gifts are sexy PJs that your father bought for your mother.
  • He asks her to hold them up for the family and the camcorder. Slightly embarrassed, she hesitantly waves them in the air. From behind the camera, your father growls “those will look great on you.”  Everyone pukes a little and swallows it. Because it’s Christmas. You move on to the next gift. More sexy PJ’s. “Hold them up!”
  • A cocktail party in which everyone is passionately discussing Syria using only facts they vaguely overheard at another party where people were discussing Syria.
  • A world in which cockroaches are still much smaller than humans but have significantly higher intelligence and more legal rights.
  • A 3rd grade recorder concert where you’re not even sure what song the other kids are playing, but you have to smile and fake like you’re playing along because Dad is in the audience and
  • Dad almost never comes to these things because of work, you know?
  • A never-ending date with a guy who insists on giving you a “lil sample” of the “beatboxing skills” he picked up in his college acapella group.  Each “song” begins with 3 minutes of his best attempt at turntable scratching.
  • A birthday party for Sue, an acquaintance from work.  You attended thinking there would be more of the gang from work, but no; it’s just you, Sue, and eight of her best friends in the world.  They are going around sharing their favorite memory of Sue.  They laugh about their semester in Spain, and share inside jokes about “Spoon Hands” (they swear, you had to see this guys hands). The night grows long and the friends tell Sue how much she means to them, and how proud of her they are for all the progress she’s made since “the accident.”  They cry and hold each other. You quietly munch a handful of Chex Mix. Because that is all they have at this party.
  • One cockroach. Somewhere in your bed. Waiting.
  • A long table at P.F. Changs at which loosely acquainted co-workers perpetually pass around the check for their group dinner.  With each rotation, someone asks (as if it’s a new thought) “has everyone put in?”  To this, each person at the table responds by stating aloud the cost of their meal plus tax and mumbling “I’ve actually put in more than I was supposed to so…” And then a demon waiter comes in and fucks everyone.

 

 

CJ Hunt is a comedic writer and performer living in New Orleans.  CJ is the co-creator of the web series Sunken City, and was also on the founding team of The New Movement.  There, he directs Training Camp, the theater’s summer intensive program, and teaches improv to high schoolers who are much cooler than he ever was.  CJ can be seen performing regularly with the improv team The French Navy and traveling the country with the sketch troupe Stupid Time Machine.  You can find more of CJ’s videos, writing, and character work at cjhuntcomedy.com.  

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