10. She pukes all the time on my white carpet.
I have four other carpet options in the house. This is a decided and dedicated maneuver.
9. She swats all chips out of my hand, particularly when they are holding obscene amounts of hummus.
I’m not sure if it is the hummus or the carbs that she hates, but she makes very clear that I am an idiot for eating either if I ever want to find a husband.
8. She conveniently thinks the Wii Remote is the Holy Grail that she can’t part
with only when I want watch Gilmore Girls. It’s like she doesn’t even care if Rory drops out of Yale or not.
7. She sits in front of the speaker system only when I’m playing Beyonce.
Even the remixes. Even if I’m listening to Jay Z, and Bey has a verse. She finds a way over to the speaker. Bitch turns her nose up at hierarchy.
6. She shits on the floor next to the litter box, despite the fact that it has been cleaned ten minutes before.
I don’t know any popular girl who would stoop to that level. 5. She knows that the blue cord in the wall is the one that is charging my phone. She likes to swat it out of the outlet, causing it to die. My alarm therefore does not go off and I am late for work. She expertly does not do this on Saturdays or Sundays.
4. Any article of black clothing becomes as complicated as a relationship in the Middle East.
She ain’t trying to give up sitting on Jerusalem, and I’m just hoping to get dressed. I’m praying the US will step in soon.
3. She rapidly circles my feet when I’m moving the boiling pot of pasta over to the sink.
Her expectations for survival are high. I have to applaud her for that. Confidence, ya dig?
2. She whines for food and then walks away from the bowl when I fill it.
Proving that, unlike her owner, she doesn’t need to eat all the time. But fuck her, tuna sucks. And I could get a date on Tinder if I tried hard enough.
1. She only wants to be petted when I’m asleep.
And particularly when I’m dreaming of Ryan Gosling. I’m sure she thinks she is doing me a service by keeping my mating expectations in sense of reality. She also does this when I dream of Mac and Cheese.
Katie DeBruhl lives and works in her hometown of New Orleans. She is a lover of creative pun-usage and bad dates. Feel free to steer the conversation towards cheese or cats.