About Last Night…


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Dearest Muffin,

Don’t forget to turn the heat down before you leave today. I left it on for you ’cause I know how chilly you get sometimes.

About last night… I’m sorry that you felt awkward after, but I hope you didn’t feel inadequate or anything. I hate to even use that word, for fear of freaking you out, but it did seem like something was off. It happens to every guy at some point, and to be honest, we were trying something a little adventurous and challenging so that was probably a factor.

Honestly, it makes total sense, given your character. I was playing the confident, experienced older girl at school, and it was empowering! But, cast as the timid freshman with a lot to learn, it was only natural that you experienced some kind of shortcoming. Ugh, no pun intended! My point is: you just really got into character. You’re such a great actor, babe!

Anyway, don’t let it get to you. I’m not! I guess if there’s a lesson to learn, it’s that even though we’re playing roles, you don’t need to live the role, right? Can’t wait to see you tonight!

I’ll pick up some Goat Cheese so we can make that salad tonight. Extra chunky, the way you like it.

-Your Little Bee

My Sweet Muffin,

Could you put my red sweater in the wash when you get up? I would’ve done it this morning but you looked so comfortable sleeping in it I didn’t want to wake you.

So about last night… I’m not sure how you felt about it, but I thought it got a little weird near the end there.  I’ll come clean and admit that I figured those particular roles would be helpful, as it put you in the position of the aggressor. And it started off so hot, don’t you think? When you climbed in through the window with that mask on??? OMG!

But the thing is, once you started justifying your actions, talking about how you grew up poor and were an only child, it got decidedly less hot. Too much apologizing, too little action, would be my main note. And maybe a little less time spent actually going through my jewelry collection would’ve helped you to stay focused on me!

And, of course, at the end there… well, like I said before, it’s nothing to be ashamed of and it happens to all guys once in awhile. But I’m supposed to be pretending you are this threatening, overpowering, sexual menace and when you’re having that issue it’s pretty hard for me. Shit! NO PUN INTENDED!!!

Anyway, it’s totes not a big deal and I don’t want you to get down on yourself. I can’t wait to see you tonight!!! If you help me rewire the home entertainment system I’ll watch the second half of Sound of Music with you!

-Your Baby Bee

Lovely Lil Muffin,

Close the window before you leave ok? I left it open b/c the Blue Jays were out and I know how much you love waking up to them. But it’s supposed to get cold later!

About last night… what a great effort, don’t you think? I was so proud of you for taking the reigns once we finished Skyping with your mom and actually making suggestions about the roles we should play. That’s the kind of initiative I’ve been talking about!

But I have to admit, it didn’t feel sexy for me to be scolding you about eating your vegetables, of all things. I love how creative you are, but that was just weird. And when you had me take your temperature rectally, well… maybe I’m just not open-minded enough. And we both know what happened next. It’s totally normal, nothing to be ashamed of. I was just hoping that the third time would be the charm.

I love you so much and can’t imagine my life without you! You are my ROCK! Or — damn it. You know what I mean.

I think I have any idea for tonight that will really do the trick so I hope you have some energy left after you get done with pilates!

-Your Honey Bunny Bee


Where the hell is the lavender-scented candle?

About last night… I’m sorry you felt left out. Franco and I were really into it, I guess we lost track of you. My bad. It was a good idea by you to invite him, shitty that you didn’t get to enjoy it.

Thing is, seeing you in the corner of the room like that, naked, completely alone and confused… vulnerable… it was a huge turnoff. I seriously can’t get over that image. It just seemed so pathetic.

So I’m leaving. I packed my stuff. I’m gonna drink this chamomile tea then I’m out the door. Sorry to be doing this over e-mail but the idea of telling you over the phone or, God forbid, in person, just scared the shit outta me.

You had good intentions these last couple weeks. It sucks that you’re the one getting fucked. Or — shit. No pun intended.

I left the divorce papers on the counter for you, along with a glass of Scotch. Lagavulin, aged 16 yrs. Neat. Just like you like it. Figured you might need it.


P.S. I hate the name Muffin.

Nick is the humor editor of Neutrons Protons.


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