12 U.S. Presidents with Memorable Fraternity Nicknames

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  1. Laberaham Lincoln. Although Lincoln claimed to be self-educated, recent research has proven that he was expelled from at least three universities for climbing into bed with his fraternity brothers and “trying some weird stuff.” He was also an embarrassment on the intramural baseball field, where he sported lavender leggings and “threw like a debutante.”

 

  1. Warren G. Hard-On. Harding was voted “horniest senior” four times at Ohio Central College. When he finally managed to graduate, he was reportedly “unable even to stand up and receive his diploma.”

 

  1. Millard Fillmore Ass. Interestingly, Fillmore went on to become the first, and only, U.S. president to advocate anal sex as a viable form of birth control.

 

  1. James K. Polk That Vag. Unlike his political rival, Millard Fillmore, Polk preferred traditional intercourse, often referring to Fillmore and his Whig supporters as “a bunch of borderline sissy boys.”

 

  1. Zachary Whaler. Young Taylor was famous for pursuing co-eds of unusually ample proportions. He nearly suffocated during an impromptu three-way with two members of a sorority baking club.

 

  1. James Douchecanan. Buchanan took douchebaggery to new heights during his four years at Dickinson College, where he rolled up to parties in a coach with gold rims and told the girls he was “way bigger” than their boyfriends.

 

  1. Pervert Hoover. At Stanford, Herbert Hoover became infatuated with a half-bald sixty-three-year-old cafeteria worker known as Mary J. Slops. A fraternity brother claimed to have discovered the grotesque couple in the common room lubing each other with mashed potatoes.

 

  1. Grover Queefland. Cleveland, though never admitted to an accredited university, spent many evenings at the Alpha Phi house in Syracuse. It was here that he established his reputation for passing gas in an amusingly feminine fashion.

 

  1. Richard “Sticky Dicky” Nixon. While attending Duke, Nixon suffered an embarrassing incident involving a freshman drama student (male), an undersized gloryhole, and the Durham Fire Department.

 

  1. Harry Ass Truman. During a fraternity initiation at Spalding’s Commercial College in Kansas City, it was discovered that Truman, at the tender age of 17, already had “more butt hair than the Wolfman.” Later, as a member of the diving team at Kansas City Law School, he was asked on numerous occasions to leave the pool or get a bigger bathing suit.

 

  1. James Barfield. According to his Delta Upsilon brothers at Williams College, Garfield, a prolific drinker, could vomit at will, blowing chunks “as quickly and easily as you or I might snap our fingers.” His gastric hijinks went too far, however, when he “delivered a terrific stream of projectile spew” into the punch bowl at the Dean’s annual Easter banquet.

 

  1. James “Man-Ho” Monroe. Monroe, an insatiable and indiscriminate fornicator, was the first, but unfortunately not the last, William and Mary student to contract syphilis, crab louse, gonorrhea, and donovanosis of the penis in a single week. To this day, condoms, by way of warning, are known on campus as “Monroes.”

 

Dan Morey is a freelance journalist in Erie, PA. His creative work has appeared in many publications, including Drunk Monkeys, Splitsider, The Journal of Asinine Poetry, Feathertale Review, Hobo Pancakes and The Big Jewel. Find him at danmorey.weebly.com. 

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