New Year’s Resolution Evolution

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2008: Stop picking nose.

 

2009: Stop picking nose in front of other people.

 

2010: Stop picking nose in front of wife.

 

2011: At least don’t do it when her parents are visiting.

 

2012: Convince wife that nose picking is not a metaphor for the larger problems in your relationship. It’s just a gross habit that you never really grew out of for some reason, but a quick look at your list of past New Year’s resolutions will prove that you’re working on it.

 

2013: Score tickets to Burning Man.

 

2014: Apologize to wife for the footage that was unearthed of you picking your nose at Burning Man. Try to make the conversation more about the preponderance of cameras these days and whether such a development is ultimately beneficial or detrimental for society. Push pretty hard for “detrimental.”

 

2015: Persuade the court that you deserve full custody of the cat.

 

2016: Do whatever it takes to get that cat back from your horrible ex-wife who’s so OCD she’ll let one little unhygienic habit—along with a handful of extramarital affairs—ruin a relationship, so how the heck does the State of California decide that she’s a better choice to take care of a cat than a guy who’s seen “The Adventures of Milo and Otis” five times?

 

2017: Make the house fire look like an accident.

 

2018: Get the security-camera footage of you breaking into your ex-wife’s house and dousing it in lighter fluid thrown out as evidence. Maybe try having that “preponderance of cameras” conversation again?

 

2019: Stop picking nose in front of jury

 

2020: Convince yourself that New Year’s resolutions still matter, even when the incredible monotony of prison life makes it pretty clear that years are nothing more than an artificial construct created to bring some sense of order to an ultimately meaningless life.

 

2021: Stop picking nose in front of cellmate.

 

 

Eddie Small is a contributor to The Onion who has also written supposedly funny pieces for CollegeHumor, The Barnes and Noble Review and Slacktory. He lives in New York City.

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