Angrphile: Responses to Internet Rants

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THERE’S SHIT EVERYWHERE! FUCK! 

— “There’s Shit Everywhere,” Facebook; Rant Zone

 

Dear “There’s Shit Everywhere,”

I’m so grateful you had the sense to reach out about this before touching anything. There’s a great deal to unpack here. Are you lost in Chinatown? Did you take a New York City bus for the first time? Did you get a new puppy? Did anal go wrong?

I’m dying for more context, but when you’re surrounded by wall-to-wall shit, it’s hard to go into detail. So with little-to-no understanding of the situation, allow me to offer you my advice — filled with assumptions — just like my mother and father used to give to me.

If your problem is that you are lost in Chinatown, I can only agree with you. They do sell a LOT of shit there — and I mean shit. I have never seen so many keychains for sale anywhere.

My only advice is not to buy anything, and to get out of there as soon as possible. The first part shouldn’t be too hard, given that I’ve never seen anything in Chinatown that I could actually use. Getting out of there, however, might be a little tricky. It’s a lot like finding your way out of a hoarder’s apartment. You may have to step over a few dead bodies, but if you just follow the light; you’ll make it.

If your problem is that you are on a NYC bus, train or public transit of any kind, and there is shit everywhere; well, you got exactly what you signed up for, buddy. You can’t expect to go to jail without some unwanted butt stuff, and you can’t expect a subway ticket to come without a pile of shit on the side. Welcome to New York.

As for options C & D: new puppy/ anal-gone-wrong. Interestingly, the process of cleaning up after your dog can be applied to your anal sex mishap; so I’ll consolidate. First, NEVER put your dog (or girlfriend’s) nose in the shit. It’s not their fault. You should have been more cautious. Any accident can be prevented with the right preparation. Now grab a roll of paper towels, a spray bottle and a plastic bag, and wipe that shit up. Next, throw all the bedding or rugs with shit on them in the laundry. Next, you’ll probably both need a shower. Following that nightmarish cleanup, you’ll need to assure your puppy/girlfriend that you still love her.

Good luck buddy!

— Rosebud

 

So this little bitch of a fly just keeps hovering around my head, typical fly bullshit. Except I’m taking a goddamn shit and it just keeps ramming its stupid face into the mirror and it won’t leave the fucking bathroom it’s been in here for several days I think it may be the original fly’s children Wtf ! I don’t know where the fuck the fly-swatter is and I really want to smash its stupid fucking face on the motherfucking wall. I’M TRYING TO MASTURBATE OVER HERE AND YOUR LITTLE FLY DANCE ISN’T AROUSING YOU ARE A FUCKING FLY GET THE F$&@ OUT!!

— “Death to the Fly,” Reddit; r/rants

 

Dear “Death to the Fly,”

I want to address your fly problem, I do. However, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t more fascinated by your ability to shit and masturbate at the same time. It seems to me that someone who can get turned on while pooping is great at multitasking, and that it would take more than a little fly to throw that kind of razor-sharp focus.

You are gifted. You have the uncanny ability to shit, masturbate, and post on reddit simultaneously, which takes more than one set of hands. Do you have six hands? Could it be that you, yourself, are actually a fly? If so, I would suggest getting off of reddit and documenting everything you’re going through now, because if there’s one thing we’ve learned from Kafka’s “The Metamorphosis,” it’s that people love reading about people turning into bugs.

Chances are, you’re not turning into a fly. But I will say this: for someone who’s masturbation habits are so tied to their bowel movements, wouldn’t a fly buzzing around add to the whole scandalously depraved experience? I don’t know what else to say. Flies are annoying. Maybe go masturbate somewhere you aren’t also taking a shit?

Good luck, buddy.

— Rosebud

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