Blue Blood Turns Red When It Leaves the Body

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You have to invite both vampires and police officers into your home, otherwise, barring some unfortunate circumstance that would permit them access through your susceptibility to mind control, or just plain old fashioned probable cause, they’re not supposed to be able to come on to the premises without your consent. However, neither creature will likely be satisfied with waiting you out, so you’d better start boarding up all the entry points to your home right away, while you still can.

When it comes to survival, first things first: Start bottling and saving water. Sure, you’ll want to stay hydrated, but also — depending on which monster you’re dealing with – you may need to put some of it aside for blessing. One would hope there’d be a priest on hand, but if not, now is as good a time as any to take a quick online course on indoctrination, so as to enter the priesthood as efficiently as possible, just as a precautionary measure. This, of course, will allow you the convenience of performing other official rites or ceremonies, such as marriage, which may prove to be handy later on, should you need to exploit any glaring loopholes in supernatural or man-made law.

Just remember, silver bullets only ever kill werewolves, and as for “cop killers,” that’s a misnomer, because hollow points actually have a harder time piercing regulation Kevlar vests. To get more bang for your buck invest in a crossbow – no matter the level rating of the body armor, bulletproof vests aren’t designed to sustain the impact of a non-deforming steel tipped bolt, which will rip right through those densely woven fibers and get straight to the heart of the matter.

If you’re able to tamp minced garlic into a bullet shape and figure out how to fire it from a gun, you should even be able to put down a plus-sized vampire. Then, instead of silver bullets, restrain the vampire’s wrists with your grandmother’s hand-me-down silver necklaces. This will affect paralysis on the creature, buying you some time until the sun comes up.

But keep your eyes peeled for any bumbling Renfield-types, whom the bloodsucker might have employed under their supernatural influence. If one of these goons somehow hobbles through the door in an attempt to free their master from bondage, give them a good slap across the face. Pesky, sure, but these pansies are nothing to lose sleep over. If anything, you can tie them to a chair and then stage a makeshift firing range, where you can practice shooting your best pity face in their direction, for these vampire servants are little more than pathetic.

 

Grant Reynolds is a comic artist and writer, residing in Chicago since 1998. He was a notable artist in Houghton Mifflin’s Best American Comics 2011, and an Ignatz nominee for outstanding mini-comic in 2012. Currently he’s working on the memoir comic series Don’t Try to Save Me, which examines the parallel life trajectories between himself and his father, and the physical and substance abuses that have defined them both.

 

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