Modern Home Design: The Bastard Basement

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Across America, classic and antique stylings are sweeping home design. From ripping up carpet to expose beautiful hardwood floors to using mason jars for pretty much everything, the trend toward simple, classic designs is on the forefront.

The latest trend is to fix up that boring, dank basement into an authentic American bastard basement. That’s right, not a 1950s luau tiki bar or a modern, high-tech man cave, but a classic turn-of-the-century (18th century) bastard basement. As the name suggests, bastard basements were basements used for chambering the secret, unwanted bastard children of high society; a very common home trend from 1700 – 1870, but hard to find today.

A bastard basement is the perfect solution to any boring, typical basement. Embrace the cold, bare floors and minimal sunlight; they’re perfect for a bastard child who has only vague hopes of seeing the outside world someday. Poor drainage, dripping, hissing, and moaning pipes are all perfect to create the dank, dungeonous feel any true bastard deserves.

One can even blend classic stylings with modern amenities: Soundproofing in the ceiling – you’ll never hear a peep, cry, or anguished scream at any hour of the day or night. Or try out a heavy door, perfect for keeping your bastard far separated from the real family. Finally you have a space for your bastard child that isn’t the coat closet, and now you’ll have a space for coats!

For a modern-classic hybrid, we suggest high tech elements like a food chute. No more walking down a bucket of food to your bastard like a butler serving dinner on a silver platter. Instead, toss whatever scraps you might have into a chute in the kitchen that leads directly down to the bastard basement. At the other end, the food falls into an antique trough, or just a greasy pile — whichever you like, let your imagination run wild!

A bastard basement with genuine appointments can greatly improve the value of your home. Just like a modern kitchen, a game room, or a backup generator can add value, a bastard basement is sure to add authenticity and equity to your home. And unlike other fancy amenities, a bastard basement is something you’ll use every day, even if you forget It’s down there.

There are the standard construction precautions one must worry about with a bastard basement, as with any home improvement project. As all homes are different, we recommend working with a certified contractor, one who can identify structural issues with the home that you may run into in the course of the improvement. Also, preferably, one who can keep a secret, like one about your bastard shame-child wallowing in its own filth just beneath your feet.

 

Travis Carr is a comedy writer and editor in New York City. He does sketch comedy through the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre and edits for various unaffiliated sketch groups across the city.

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