The PR Campaign

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MORNING ANNOUNCEMENT:

<voiced in the Comic Sans typeface>

Hey, students of Abe Lincoln High, do YOU want to get more involved in school activities?!

Do YOU want your voice to be heard?!

Are YOU willing to subject yourself to an unappreciative student body that constantly grumbles about how boring school is?!

Then COME ON DOWN to B201 for more information about joining your student government!!!!

Available positions include Perfect President, Vivacious Vice President, Totally Terrific Treasurer, and Sometimes-Sexist Secretary!

 

THE PERSONAL CORRESPONDENCE OF PRIYA BARADWAJ:

From: peacelovejoypriya156@aol.com To: Logan & Jones PR

 

Hey Guys!

 

Taylor Cashman (Treasurer, Class of ‘04) referred me here, and I heard that you were able to work miracles for her; totally changing her image from a prep to a goth, while maintaining the emo vote as well! I’m interested in running for Vice President at Abe Lincoln High. I take all Honors classes, I have a 4.0 (unweighted) GPA, I’m in the Students Against Autism Club, musical theatre, chorus, and Junior State America. I consider myself very qualified for the position. What more can I do? I hope you’ll take my case.

 

Thank you,

Priya Baradwaj

“Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world.” ~ Marilyn Monroe

“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.” ~ John Lennon

 

From: Logan & Jones PR

To: peacelovejoypriya156@aol.com

 

I don’t know what kind of pre-Recession fairytale you’re living in. Preps and goths? Are you kidding? This is 2k16. If you’re running for office, you at least gotta know who your voters are. It’s not so simple anymore. If you want to appeal to those soft grunge pastel mermaid hair weirdos, you end up losing the normcore vote. Try to look modern and

 

fresh and technologically-inclined, and you lose the kids who always talk about how “the ‘60s were better.” I’m not so sure if we can take you on as a client. You’re not “relatable” enough, with your rigorous academic background. If you were a white boy, then maybe we could risk it. But you’re an Indian girl. You may be too great a challenge.

 

From: peacelovejoypriya15698@aol.com

To: Logan & Jones PR

Please, I’m really desperate for this win. I actually want to win this, and your company has the best success rate. My speech was actually going to be about mercenary kids just

wanting the position and how I’m not like everyone else and how I’m actually passionate about getting involved in the school and stuff.

 

From: loganreed@loganandjones.com

To: peacelovejoypriya156@aol.com

 

Priya —

OK fine.

  • Change your e-mail What, was peacelovejoypriya already taken? And peaceluvjoy? Why do you even have those numbers at the end?
  • And AOL? Come on, you’re young! By all means, use a different e-mail Not Hotmail or Yahoo, either. Get yourself a Gmail account. You can comment on Youtube videos and stuff. It makes life easier.
  • But good job with your e-mail Marilyn Monroe! John Lennon! It’s like you’ve entered the heart of Every Americans’ e-mail signature quote! It’s perfect. If you ever come across a quote somewhere and if it’s cutesy-aphoristic, attribute it to Marilyn Monroe, stick it on a Pinterest board, and boom, you’ll be Internet-famous. You’ll thank me later for this tip.
  • Create an active social media Social media exists solely to better your chances of winning this election. So take a picture of a croissant, select a filter, post it on Instagram, and tag it under “artsy.” (Don’t question the use of the word “artsy.” Follow the teen zeitgeist.) You’re a single woman, and you know the kind of implications that has, especially in politics. Cultivate an image of a ricrac-obsessed, wedding-junkie, scrapbook-crazy Martha Stewart-wannabe like everyone else on Pinterest.
  • Actually be Comment on someone’s post and call his/her picture “artsy.” (Remember that word?)

Cordially,

Logan Reed

 

“If you can’t make it good, at least make it look good.” —Bill Gates

 

MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH DELIVERED BY LOGAN TO THE REST OF HIS CAMPAIGN TEAM

Okay, guys, let’s talk turkey. Priya isn’t our ideal candidate, but she’s worth the challenge. Maybe she can actually do something useful once she gets elected to student council. Perhaps we should lobby to make sure that our school’s official tissue changes from Kleenex 2-Ply to Kleenex Anti-Viral? Scratch that. We should lobby for Puff’s Plus Lotion tissues. I heard those are good. Where was I again? Oh yeah. If we look at the numbers, it looks like Priya might win. Those useless school newspaper idiots messed up the graph, but if you ignore the weird brackets, you’ll see that Priya is currently second-place in the polls. Of course, she’s the only other person running for VP but let’s ignore that for a minute. She’s starting to get more of the female vote. Priya has been diligent in following all of their Pinterests and Instagrams; she’s been using the word “artsy” liberally. She’s been showing her love of the capitalist hub Starbucks by buying tri-weekly venti mocha cappuccino caramel Oprah chai frapps, or some other baby non-coffee “coffee.” We may actually have a shot at this. They might fall for our Marilyn Aubrey Mansfield Monroe shtick we have going on with her email signature. But you and I both know she won’t get the white male majority vote, so let’s not dwell on that. She does, however, appeal to the subculture-type guys, like those dungeon trolls who do nothing but watch British TV all day. I think she’s come a long way. This was a girl who once thought that writing a pseudo-subversive speech about what a special snowflake active involver in society she was could get people to vote for her! Our firm has had a 100 percent success rate thus far, and who knows? Maybe it can stay that way. I know that if this all works out, it means that we can do anything. Who knows, maybe next year we can have a female Indian-American president! So are you with me?!

 

PRIYA’S CLASS ELECTION SPEECH:

What’s up, Abe Lincoln High! I know you’re all soooo tired of hearing all these boring speeches, but this speech is different. This isn’t just any boring speech about how you should vote for me. This is my boring speech about why you should vote for me! But really, as I continued to live on in the world, I have started to strive to make a difference. Though my

funny-sounding name and Indian background once alienated me from my peers, I have found a home at Abe Lincoln High. From my TOMS shoes the ethically sourced hemp bracelet made by Somali women on my wrist, I am a philanthropist and activist through and through. I want to make this school a better place. As I look upon the youth of America, on each of your shining faces is the future, which is in your hands. With me as your VP, no dreams will be beyond our reach. It’s time for a new beginning, so vote for Priya for Vice President. Check the box for the girl who rocks!

 

can have a female Indian-American president! So are you with me!?!?!? <Impassioned shouts fill the room.>

 

CONVERSATION BETWEEN PRIYA BARADWAJ AND LOGAN REED:

LOGAN: You ready? PRIYA: Yes?

LOGAN: Do you remember what you need to do? PRIYA: Duh!

LOGAN: Easy on the “duhs.” This isn’t 2004, slumdog. PRIYA: HEY! That was offensive!

LOGAN: Whatevs. See? That’s the kind of vernacular you should be using! PRIYA: I’m going in. Wish me luck.

LOGAN: Luck is for suckers.

 

PRIYA’S CLASS ELECTION SPEECH:

What’s up, Abe Lincoln High! I know you’re all soooo tired of hearing all these boring speeches, but this speech is different. This isn’t just any boring speech about how you should vote for me. This is my boring speech about why you should vote for me! But really, as I continued to live on in the world, I have started to strive to make a difference. Though my

funny-sounding name and Indian background once alienated me from my peers, I have found a home at Abe Lincoln High. From my TOMS shoes on my feet to the ethically-sourced hemp bracelet made by Somali women on my wrist, I am a philanthropist and activist through and through. <Logan’s hired cheerers give a collective cheer.> I want to make this school a better place. As I look upon the youth of America, on each of your shining faces is the future, which is in your hands. With me as your VP, no dreams will be beyond our reach. It’s time for a new beginning, so vote for Priya for Vice President. So check the box for the girl who rocks! <All students applaud mandatorily.>

 

AFTERNOON ANNOUNCEMENTS:

<voiced in the Comic Sans typeface>

Hey, Abe Lincoln High, ARE YOU READY to hear your election results?! Your class of 2015 treasurer is Mary Veal! Your secretary is Joseph Winchester!

And… in an unprecedented event, this year, we will have two vice presidents! Priya Bara–Bard-wage? Annnnnddddd BRETT RUSSELL!!!! Your president is Tamara Viking! Congratulations to all the nominees. You tried. No, wait. Everybody won in this election! Isn’t that great!? Thanks to the 17 of you who voted. Your votes COUNT. And congratulations to the class officers of 2015!!!! Next year is going to be totally RADICAL!

 

 

CONVERSATION HEARD OUTSIDE A CLASSROOM TWO WEEKS LATER:

STUDENT 1: Ugh, our student council never does anything, I mean seriously. What do they even do there?

<student 2 blows her nose>

STUDENT 2: Say, these new tissues ain’t half-bad!

 

Jane Song is a high school senior on the East Coast and a Girl on the Go! She is highly invested in issues regarding social justice, fandom and creating and consuming various forms of media — primarily fiction, creative non-fiction, and comedy.

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