Do you enjoy eating? Of course, you do! Do you enjoy eating certified organic, pesticide-free, nutrient-enhanced, all-natural ingredients that are safe and delicious? Of course, you do! Do you absolutely despise paying up the butt for seasonal greens and fruits? Of course, you do!
What if I told you that by joining The League of Hyperlocal Urban Foragers you could take your lifestyle beyond organic. Did your mind just explode? Probably. Ever wonder what it’s like eating superfoods that provide four thousand percent more antioxidants than just about anything you’ve ever digested? This ain’t your mother’s kohlrabi. This is the shit you pluck from the street and eat raw. Think those are weeds? Think again. That’s lunch, bro.
Hyperlocal means super easy, super accessible food. Just look down and whatever you see, eat it. Soon, you’ll be salivating just thinking about chomping down on a sweet batch of Siberian miner’s lettuce or a nice, juicy clump of mustard greens topped with scrumptious salmon berries. Mmm. Right, bro?
So sign up today and have at it. Get green. Get antioxified. Ever hear of a broccoleaf? Of course not, you’ve been throwing your hard-earned cash money away at the trendy farmer’s market on stupid things like kale and watermelon gherkins. A buck ninety-nine for garlic scapes? Don’t be a dumbass. It’s time to get on your knees and snack on that patch of almond scented russulas hiding on the side of the Interstate. Think your neighbor’s garden is off limits? Think again, bro.
Now’s the time to dive in and smell what Mother Nature’s sprouting. Ditch those trendy grocery stores with their hyperdouchey marketing schemes and corporate blah blah blah. Join the League today to transform your palate and become the edibly adventurous urban forager you know you were born to be.
Does a fresh batch of spicy Japanese knotweed pickles sound like a tasty treat to you? Guess what a licorice fern tastes like? Licorice, motherfucker. Licorice. Goosegrass is crazy delish. Wild mint is dope. And gobbling up a pot of boiled acorns will literally put you in a state of permanent arousal.
Getting fired up yet? How about we panfry a batch of elderflowers topped with some meaty beefsteak polypores? Let’s frolic for some hairy bittercress and pick the cracks of the sidewalks clean until we’ve had our fill of all the primrose and lungwort we can handle. And if you haven’t heard, dandelion salad will fuck your world up, in a good way! Give me a prickly pear cactus over a sugar-ladened bucket of bullshit ice cream any day. Need some fennel? That shit grows absolutely everywhere. You’re probably stepping on it right now.
And don’t even get me started on all the reasons you should be sucking on pine needles morning, noon, and night. That coniferous candy is going to blow your taste buds to smithereens.
What’s more, this year the League will be introducing even more hyper, more aggressively local classes in our community to get you onboard with eating clean and pooping grass. Ever heard of “Sea to Mouth”? Of course not, I just made that up. Join us for the first ever Sea to Mouth foraging class, where you’ll be netting fresh seaweed and kelp from our underwater forests raked using your own two hands.
For those of you out there who are still a little hesitant, why not try a free introductory class led by one of our senior staff members? Take Geoff, he’s a non-certified, bearded male, with a slim-fit wallet, handcrafted rope sandals, and often wears a faded T-shirt of the obscure new wave ska band called ‘We Are Scott Baio.’ What he lacks in knowledge Geoff makes up for in willingness to try new things. During the four-week class, he will lead you through a handpicked selection of backyard gardens and community greenhouses that we are definitely ‘not allowed to be in.’ Wink wink. Cool, right, bro?
Who knows, maybe you’re walking down the street right now, and a beautiful, yummy little weed is staring right back at you. Ask yourself this, are you unqualified, unsupervised, and more than just a little naive? Perfect. Eat that thing right now and join the League of Hyperlocal Urban Foragers today! You definitely won’t regret it.
Disclaimer: Under no circumstances is the League of Hyperlocal Urban Foragers responsible in any way whatsoever for your safety, health, or wellbeing. Our senior members and guides are not super qualified, have undergone almost no professional training, and aren’t necessarily ‘good’ at distinguishing between poisonous and edible wild foods. All foods that you eat during your time with the League of Hyperlocal Urban Foragers, you do so at your own risk.
Serious Disclaimer: Now that I think about it, not even one member of the League of Hyperlocal Urban Foragers is medically trained in even basic lifesaving skills, such as CPR or first aid.
In the event that a member needs immediate medical attention, our safety protocols dictate that the least messed up person orders an Uber to take the group directly to the nearest Urgent Care establishment.
Full Disclaimer: No bullshit, several members of the League of Hyperlocal Urban Foragers have undergone emergency surgeries after eating wild foods that the doctors described as ‘substances that would absolutely lead to certain death.’ BUT, so far no losses. AND, we’ve beefed up our food identification library which should prove invaluable moving forward. Phew.
Matt Hobin is humor writer for hire. If he plays his cards right, he hopes someday to be the co-owner of a fictional tube sock company. In an emergency, you can find him over at www.matthobin.com.