Ye Olde App Store

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Come on, people! It’s 1300 AD — time to get out of the Dark Ages. Drop your scythe and whip out your smart phone—these are the hottest apps that you absolutely need to have.

 

Where’s My Cow?

Cows really only seem to be good for three things: producing milk, falling on you and crushing your legs, or wandering off. Tired of your bovine going AWOL? Then you need Where’s My Cow? With a whopping 20 mile search radius, WMC can guarantee that you will find your cow at least two out of ten times. What are you waiting for? Download the app and find your cow before someone else does!

 

iDowry

Sending your twelve-year-old daughter off to marry a man who’s more than three times her age and has an obvious mead problem is stressful enough. The last thing you need to worry about is what she’s going to bring as her dowry. She’s not that pretty, so is three goats too much? Do you really want to waste time figuring out her weight in silver? Of course you don’t, which is why iDowry is here to help. Just enter your daughter’s age, fertility and any special skills, and iDowry will instantly compute the appropriate exchange. Now you can rest easy after shipping her away with that hulking brute!

 

Myharvest

It’s simple, yet effective. Easily manage your crops and keep track of your inventory. You’ll probably survive the winter!

 

God Bless U

We’ve all been there—a loved one starts convulsing and making guttural noises, and you split their head open, thinking they were possessed by a demon. In hindsight, it was probably just a sneeze. Next time, use God Bless U to quickly determine if it’s a malevolent succubus or just a sneeze brought on by your hut made entirely of straw.

 

PillagED

Whether you need some extra cash to pay the ransom on your family or you’re thinking about saving to attend blacksmith school, PillagED is the way to do it. The premier marketplace to buy and sell forcibly obtained goods, PillagED is proven to lead to the best return on your investment of ransacking a village and leaving nothing alive.

 

Gout It Out

Download the app and sweep it over your foot. Red means gout and green means good to go!

 

Werq

Find out how much backbreaking labor it will take to clear that forest or push the rock up that hill. Werq even has a built-in calorie counter!

 

SerfScan

Looking for a few more pitiful peasants to work your land? Well, your search is over. No more leaving your comfortable castle and venturing out into the squalor of the uncivilized countryside—just fire up SerfScan and choose from a wide selection of lesser human beings. Our own SerfScan mercenaries will bring them right to your drawbridge!

 

Drew Muller is a twenty-something living in New York City doing his best to “adult.”

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