Dog Horoscopes

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Leo_Color

Canis Major, aka, the Dog Star, is burning bright over the crest of your apricot mane: that is to say, this month you will really be feeling yourself, vibrant, dashing Leo. You will be the star of a garden party happening around the 9th. (Maybe get a haircut before to maximize star potential.) Be wary of the stranger who pets you and calls you cute on the 13th: he has dishonorable intentions regarding your owner. Be amenable to the smashed- face Sagittarius (may manifest as a pug, bulldog, or shitzu, etc.) who tries to sniff your rump at the dog park around the weekend of the 22nd: there is great potential for a lasting friendship.

Do something nice for your owner near the end of the month—maybe humor her by tolerating that sportz jersey she’s so dead-set on you wearing for a good five minutes before freaking the f out?

 

Pisces_Color

Keep your eyes peeled—and nose flared—for a special treat on the street this month! It’s uncertain which day that only-half-eaten cheeseburger or exploded bag of chips will turn up, so I guess just pay attention. You really can’t afford to miss out on these kinds of pick me ups, as this month you’ll find yourself feeling a little down in the dumps—but dear Pisces, don’t overanalyze it. If you feel like napping, go ahead and nap: you’re a dog. When your cat roommate hisses at you on the morning of the 23rd, don’t take it personally, she’s just being herself. Get your anal glands expressed before month’s end, you just might feel better.

 

Scorpio

Lately you’ve been feeling like you’re never going to get that rope toy out from under the bed, which is true in a literal sense (because you can’t fit), but not in a figurative sense! Because, dearest Scorp, sniffing out the deeper mysteries in life is your reason for being. Don’t despair, and don’t ever stop digging (actually, you should probably literally stop cuz you’re about to fell that tree).

Oh, and don’t waste your time being jealous of mom’s new boyfriend—get even. Make him your new boyfriend. Optimal days for putting that plan into motion—the 5th, the 13th, the 24th.

 

Virgo

You are a really good dog. A people pleaser. You’re well-behaved, easy to have as a pet and to pet. You keep your dog bed neat and tidy. But Virgo, would you say that you’re happy? When’s the last time you roughed around with some dog pals? Had a spa day and then jumped in a puddle right after, because, fuck it?

 

Cancer

Your couch game is 100! You’ve earned your spot, providing body heat, stray hairs and sporadic licks to the family through hours of CNN, sportz, and House of Cards. Don’t ever let anybody make you get up before you’re ready. If you do feel like stretching those crab legs, mark the night of the 9th on your calendar: three full spins under the full moon, and a tasty snack will manifest.

 

Libra

Look at you, the quintessential family dog. You let the kids ride you like a pony, you fetch the tennis ball for hours, you trudge through farmer’s markets in the rain, you heel like a goddamn mule. Buddy, you’re not a mule, you’re the family dog! You’re the golden retriever. I know you can be a little slow on the uptake, so let me say it another way: you’ve got these people in the paw of your paws!

At the end of the month, with Pluto the dog planet in your Dog House, ordaining you in divine dogness, try pushing back a little. Next time they tell you to “leave it,” try this: don’t leave it. Watch what happens. (Nothing. You got this.)

 

 

Sagittarius

All your hard work herding imaginary cattle is finally paying off: The universe is throwing you a bone with a imminent trip to the country! (Note: country could mean anything from a friend’s backyard, to the park, to an actual farm, but no matter where it is exactly, it’s green, vast and yours for the roaming.)

Sag, your energy knows no bounds; you’re dogged and driven, a fast sprinter and a hard worker. This month calls for you to slow down, spring from your heart instead of your hind legs: a loved one could really use an extra snuggle, and you’re the only one who can do it right.

 

Taurus

Stubborn and steadfast, you’re the bull, but you’re also, “no bull.” You know what you feel like doing, and you’re great at following through on personal goals, like lying on the rug all day. But, when it comes to doing something you don’t want to do, you can be quite intractable.

So listen up: You might experience a change this month that will impact your routine, your meals, your leisure time. You won’t like it at first, but you’re going to have to get over it. If you stick it out, which you certainly can, you might see an unexpected return in the form of a new friend.

Some general advice for you? Get a little dirty.

 

Gemini

They say your bark is loud enough for two dogs. It’s true, there is more to you than appears on first look; you’re short-legged, but swift; small, but full of energy. There’s never an idle moment for you, as you fill your days hunting flies, patrolling at the window, chasing the ball, sprinting up and down the stairs. You cover a lot of ground. Sometimes it feels like you are everywhere at once.

You are always moving, but, Gemini, what are you actually accomplishing? Have you ever asked yourself: what’s my main goal? You don’t want to flit through life, a small creature fitfully racing back and forth across a giant house, but not getting anywhere.

Slow it down.

(Btw: you’re a mini gem! )

 

Aries_web

 

Courageous and curious, you’re always eager to explore new corners of the yard, try new snacks, make new friends. With this attitude, your world is full of possibilities. You’re a trailblazer, but while you’re leading the way, you don’t always check back to make sure your followers are still on board. Nor do you stop to consider whether you’ll be welcome on each new frontier. You could work on exercising some restraint. Heel!

 

Capricorn

You’re the natural alpha of the dog park (and the zodiac). Tall, strong, athletic, you excel at every game in the field. You play fair, and none of the other dogs would ever say anything bad about you, but some of them are thinking: Why does everything have to be a competition?

Take a day off every now and then—Saturday the 8th? Tuesday the 14th?—from being YOU. Let your guard down. You’re not a K-9 cop, although, sure, if you were, you’d be at the top of the squad.

When your moment of weakness comes, ask for help—even if you don’t think you need it.

 

 

Aquarius

You’re a bold beast! Quirky and stunning, you’re a sight to behold and a true individual. Because your looks are striking, you get away with more than you deserve; your mischievous nature is often dismissed because you are so adored. They say, oh, she’s a good dog, at heart. Just a little headstrong. You know how to manipulate others, but living that way can be very lonely.

Aquarius, don’t bend. Keep making waves. When you feel blue, go for a swim.

 

Kate Mooney is a New Orleans-born-and-raised, now Brooklyn-based writer. She’s interested in dogs, revenge narratives, dead-beat dads, and failure. You can see more of her work at www.katemooney.net.

Madelyn is a Brooklyn-based cartoonist and illustrator. She is the author of the feminist-revenge fantasy comic, Vagilantes, and the foundermadddgrrrl.com. She also draws editorial cartoons for brokelyn.com. Follow her on twitter for rants and very dumb comics. 
 

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