New Zodiac Signs


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Saturn is officially in the house of OMG – NASA has shattered everything we thought we knew about ourselves by shifting the dates of the Zodiac. To make things even crazier, they added an entirely new 13th sign: Ophiuchus. And they’re still going. The exact date ranges haven’t been revealed yet, but here’s a list of 10 never before seen Zodiac signs – and what they might mean for your life.




Ophiuchus means “serpent-bearer” in Greek, and it also means you’re very curious, but never in a snoopy way. You’re likely to think you’re a Gryffindor, but get sorted into Slytherin on Pottermore and be bitter about it.




You draw inspiration from the Greek god of indecision, maybe. You’re a social butterfly and love visiting new places, except not that place this time, you’re not sure. Thai food tonight? But you just had it last week. Beer garden later? But it’s an open venue and was it supposed to rain? You hate yourself.




You have 500+ connections on LinkedIn, and you have copious amounts of sex because of it. You’re killin’ it.




You’re equally content in the town or country and remain sporty, yet understated. You’re favored by the middle class and make most people feel comfortable, but could use a little change in your life. You’re a great starter car.




You’re up on all the hottest Internet jokes and live to uncover the next Harambe. Whatever it is, you’ve tweeted it, like, four months ago. Yawn.




You have the coolest work friends who are funny and also attractive. You have so much fun in the office and also at riverboat parties. #workhardplayhard


William H. Macini


You’re a down to earth Lutheran kind of guy – you know, someone who you can just grab a beer with. You might be an alcoholic. Or at least play one on TV.




You’re a golden brown tube of Oriental goodness and you don’t have a care in the world.



Baby Boomeries


You’re a jaded curmudgeon from a coal town who believes in hard work, cold beer and institutional racism. Your favorite president is Andrew Jackson because that guy didn’t mess around unlike these damn liberals.




You’re gullible, easily excited and quick to buy into the latest hoaxes, farces and fad diets. You’re the kind of person who takes their horoscope way too seriously.


Drew Muller is a twenty-something living in New York City doing his best to “adult.”

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