Currently, we are closed for submissions. When we reopen for submissions at no point in the future, we are not interested in your fiction, flash fiction, micro fiction, postcard fiction, paragraph fiction, twitfic, itsy-bitsy fiction, nano fiction, infictionesimal flashwave bites, poetry, essays, photography, flash photography, memoir, humor, lists, flash lists, flash listicles, artful and trenchant Game of Thrones recaps, craft beer reviews, or experimental pieces that pose an existential threat to the very stability of the the privileged bourgeois social order. We are especially not interested in any pieces that are violent, gory, genre, hegemonic or that contain any assemblage of words submitted to us for publication, for any reason.
When the academic year resumes, we will continues to not take submissions. We will not take submissions between Sept. 1 and Dec. 20, Dec. 21 and Jan. 8, Jan. 9 and May 10, and May 11 and Aug. 31.
We believe in paying writers but will not pay you for your work because we don’t want to read any submissions in the first place. We will in fact pay you 3 cents for each and every word you do not submit to us, but please do not contact us about any compensation for any submissions you may or may not have submitted because we’re just not into that kind of thing.
Here’s an example of what we’re looking for: Nothing.
And here’s an example of what we don’t want: A submission of fiction, poetry or any sequence of words that escapes from your skull.
Please, no simultaneous submissions. And please, no simultaneous submissions or any submissions at all.
If another publication first publishes your work, do not submit it here because — for the love of God and all that is holy — we do not want to read it. Do not let us know if your work has been published elsewhere because we do not care.
You will retain the copyright to your work because we will never read it no matter how many times you submit it. We only ask for one-time electronic rights to Crying Jordan or some meme that could make us money so we could hire lawyers to sue you for submitting to us, mainly as a deterrence to anyone else who would even consider it.
Submit only zero pieces at a time and please wait until the sun implodes before submitting your next piece.
Joseph S. Pete is an award-winning journalist and Iraq War veteran. He won the Chicago BaconFest 2016 poetry competition, a feat that hacks like Dante and Sylvia Plath never accomplished. His work has appeared in Chicago Literati, Indiana Voice Journal, Flash Fiction Magazine, Line of Advance, Gutzine, Punchel’s, Zero Dark Thirty and many other publications.