(all of the following are inspired by real headlines on the @_FloridaMan Twitter feed)
Florida man steals battery-powered Barbie car.
Florida man tries to ride manatee to local bar.
Florida man flees cops and is eaten by a gator.
Florida man robs convenience store dressed as Darth Vader.
Florida man organizes roach-eating contest.
Florida man spends two days “locked” in unlocked closet.
Florida man misspells “God” on sheriff flag.
Florida man blows up ICU while smoking crack.
Florida man asks if he can borrow a cop’s gun.
Florida man says he was just smelling the weed for fun.
Florida man bites off a man’s face and limb.
Florida man says that the dolphin seduced him.
Florida man is surprised by zombie cat.
Florida man escapes, with spider web face-tat.
Florida man lists “drug dealer” as job on arrest intake.
Florida man assaults woman with iguana, or yard gnome, or lizard, or samurai sword, or pancakes.
He wanted waffles.
Cameron Hunt McNabb is an assistant professor of English at Southeastern University, and she has published in pieces with Salon.com, The Satirist, Deep South, and Tampa Review Online.