Eleveninchpimp_Stovekingchef, I’m worried I may have started following your Instagram account in the wrong spirit. Your posting makes me genuinely happy when it comes up in my feed, but I feel like you’re keeping this photographic journal of your life for friends and female admirers, and I am neither, just someone who appreciates a stranger’s ugly omelet. I don’t want to be some patronizing spectator, smirking behind a ignorant barrier of irony and superficial judgment, but that’s probably what I am. So I wanted to say I’m sorry, and list some things I appreciate about your account.
The Eleven Inch Part of Your Account is Not the Focus. There’s a few pictures that are definitely for the ladies, but you’ve consistently kept your tank top and boxers on, and there’s no partially-exposed or even suggestively veiled boners to be seen. Maybe I’m mistaken about the type of eleveninchpimp you consider yourself to be, but at any rate, you’ve chosen to emphasize the stovekingchef part of your account, and I think that’s a good way to keep me as a follower.
You Support Casual-Looking Food. Your account stands in peaceful opposition to the preened and fetishized meals of documentarians in the current Instagram food establishment. Your pictures are sincerely composed in rugged, unforgiving light that highlights the near-florescent yellow of your cooking. Your content is about 75% omelets, and all the ingredients in those omelets have been applied in whole pieces. The food is generally presented on a blackened pan or saturated paper towel. You make sausage and egg sandwiches with both ketchup and jam, and sometimes you just take pictures of candy or crackers lying on your kitchen floor or the bottom of a closet. Your first post was of a half-eaten frozen burrito from your point of view as it rose in your hand towards the camera. Sometimes I wonder what kind of statement you’re trying to make, but it’s probably just that food is good.
I Don’t Mind That You Repost. Some people recycle old posts from months back to keep the content mill going, but you will post the same picture three times a week, even if it’s just the Pacers logo or your San Francisco 49ers couch. Honestly, with the reposted omelets, I don’t really notice, and with the pictures of your lady, it just comes off as appreciation. How many people would repost a unflinchingly close and unfiltered picture of a hairy lady-toe with “BEST TASTE IN FEET” as the caption? Go ahead. I am a little concerned about the repeated posts of the same $100 bill and “TRUMP BOUT TO GET ME PAID”, but I’ve decided I’m not going to let that sour our relationship.
You Are Sincere and Thankful. You know what I realized recently? You have a lot of love for the world. I’m an asshole. You appreciate the simple moments in life and the things you have. You love your blurry, reposted woman. You have beautiful, fast-moving kids in your life. You’re proud of the immolated piles of cheese and meat you craft at your stove, the candy to you like to eat, and your own body. You want your teams to win at their sports and your people to know they’re appreciated. I shouldn’t think just because your posts don’t seem hyper-aware that I know more than you. I should just be happy to be able to distract myself with someone else’s charming life and not just the usual spew of politics, advertising and sex that pull me into my glowing screen. So keep cooking and loving, and I’ll continue to feel a little weird about it from afar.