AMERICA’S TRUE ENEMY

by

Comments Off on AMERICA’S TRUE ENEMY Featured, Humor

GEESE. In the yard today, living in your house tomorrow, sucking down welfare checks next month, retiring on YOUR pension next year. Every winter they swarm by the millions and take jobs away from the LOCAL bird population. Thousands of AMERICAN birds are starving this winter because of FOREIGN avians. Today: them; in minutes: you and your family.

We have reliable, scientifically-based information from a top-secret source that Canadian Geese (Branta canadensis, aka Islamica terroristio, aka Disrespecterian Americanlibertius) are EXTREMISTS hand-picked by ISIS to destroy the American dream. These infiltrators are trained in the backwaters of the frigid, barren nation of “Canada” where the violent foreign nationals eat gruel injected with hatred and radicalism, grind human teeth with curved sticks, and use “pucks” to score “goals”. Do not be confused by their calm, kind demeanors, they will KILL without provocation.

According to our professional surveys, 94 percent of geese are terrorists, and the rest don’t watch American football. The United States government has satellite photographs which prove beyond any doubt that geese have been stockpiling nuclear arms in preparation of what has been named, THE REALLY BIG ATTACK. We have also intercepted codified messages over radio and internet chatrooms that announce plans underway to strap obscene amounts of explosives under the down of thousands of geese and fly into YOUR LIVING ROOM this Wednesday night.

When they are not plotting to take away your freedom, geese have been known to defecate on copies of the Declaration of Independence and honk non-English phrases at AMERICAN CITIZENS. When translated by professional ornithologist Dr. Quacksalot, these messages mean, “Death to American scum”, “Long live Bin Laden”, and “Your bald head is a target for our anus.”

The geese have been decried by many important and influential US citizens including Governor Hibble and Oscar nominee Matt Hampton. Presidential contender Jack Daniels has said,

“The geese always come around this time of year. Relatively peaceful, always honking an awful lot. But I never expected… they would… [kill] my wife, sell… my [children] into… slavery, and [burn]… my house down. These geese need to… be dealt with.”

Known accomplices of the goose are the Russian bear, Chinese national pandas Er Shun and Da Mao of the Toronto Zoo, DEMOCRATS, the liberal media, and a vast network of terrorist operatives including the family with the strange accent you’ve had doubts about from day one, you know, the ones who moved into the Peterson’s house.

To recognize a goose, simply ask yourself, “Is the bird in front of me a goose?” If you answer “yes”, the bird is a goose. If you answer “no”, the bird may still be a goose. Though usually black and white with long necks, geese have been known to impersonate other fowl including but not limited to ducks, parakeets, the grey birds in McDonald’s parking lots, robins, chickens, eagles, and Big Bird from Sesame Street.

In order to combat the nemesis to the North, the United States government is issuing 1500 miles of netting, a 50,000 percent increase in funding of the Fish and Wildlife Service, two anti-fowl artillery battalions, four squadrons of F-14 Tomcats, and the issue of nine hundred thousand fully-automatic AR-15s to citizens along the Canadian border.

To obtain your FREEDOM FIREARM, please text ANTIGOOSE to 4374, and your government-issued weapon will arrive express in two days. If the protection of your family requires a larger caliber assault rifle and/or you require more freedom firearms, text MORE and BIGGER as many times as needed. If you require an airstrike, text FREEDOM BOMB and your coordinates to 4374. Text message rates may apply.

Goose-induced psychosis is common for those who come in contact with or see a goose. To counter psychosis, use as many over-the-counter medications as possible and supplement with the expired prescriptions in your cabinet crushed together in a powder. Take daily. If funds are not available for a psychiatrist, please contact your mother. If your mother is unavailable, contact your closest friend. If you don’t have friends, text ANTIGOOSE to 4374 for your freedom firearm. For emotional support call 1-800-PLSHELP. Call lines are open 24/7, excepting holidays.

If you see geese gathering in any number, call 911 and take shelter immediately. Do not be a hero—unless you have been issued a government-approved fully automatic AR-15. Then BE A HERO. Remember that geese KILL without provocation. The only way to protect yourself is to shoot first and shoot to kill. The best defense is to attack. The best offense is to attack. Remember: ALWAYS SHOOT FIRST.

 

Ben Rietema lives in his parent’s basement in Boulder, Colorado and writes and works. You can find more of his work at www.thesquidweekly.com

Comments are closed.