Introvert Dies At Frat Party

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A local introvert has been pronounced dead after attending a college sorority party.

Marielle Faubus, a sophomore at Oral Roberts University reportedly collapsed dead at the Kappa Alpha Delta Delta Gamma Tau Phi Beta Tri Phi party on Saturday March 5th.

Timothy Johnson Robbins, a senior and president of Sigma Alpha Theta, who goes by the name T.J. by his sorority brothers, said that he had never heard of Faubus.

“It’s really sad bro,” T.J. said, picking up a can of Coors light as the body of Faubus was wheeled out. “It’s just crazy to think that a tragedy could occur here, at Kappa Alpha Delta Delta Gamma Tau Phi Beta Tri Phi. We’re a big family.”

Most individuals that attended the event that learned about Faubus’ death answered “Who?” when asked to reflect on Faubus’ impact on the community.

Emily Rickerts, a junior at Oral Roberts, said that she thought that Faubus might have been in one of her classes.

“I think she may have been in my cell bio class?” Rickerts stated with the emphatic inflection of a question. “Anyways, it was just some GE I had to get out of the way, I got an A, but I watched Gossip Girl in class the entire time. The class isn’t useful for my major anyway, I’m a business administration major in the pre-law track.”

According to a Pew research report on Oral Roberts University, 117% of students in sororities and fraternities are majoring in business administration. Through advanced laser technology at the Oral Roberts University in conjunction with the Pew research team, applications of future students were reviewed. All students that indicated a business administration major were subjected to intense laser therapy that was said to predict their chances of rushing. According to the results, the study was 99% accurate.

Faubus, an English Literature and Art History double major, was not screened by the state of the art laser technology test, and research shows an inverse relationship between seeing art house movies and reading Russian novels with joining a sorority.

Dr. John Stevenson, professor emeritus of neuroscience at Oral Roberts University said that the most likely cause of Faubus’s death was overstimulation of the sensory system caused by excessive use of the word “like” and witnessing photo opportunities with girls snapchatting their “dranks” with arms akimbo.

“What we ultimately think caused Faubus’ death was the extreme sensory annoyance of being surrounded by privileged extroverts,” Stevenson said. “Through continued efforts in conjunction with the Oral Roberts University community, we are looking into further causes of Faubus’s death to give justice to all introverts.”

 

Ella is a college student from California. She enjoys reading, writing, feminism, and pretentious organic foods. She would appreciate it if you didn’t ask her what she plans on doing with her life.

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