According to a recent poll, 92 percent of voters who supported Trump in the Presidential election said their political views had been changed by what they read on overwhelmingly progressive satirical sites.
“No reputable news organization, collection of the President’s statements or policies, or current events changed my mind, but after reading what those young, city dwelling, twenty something, internet comedians had to say, I’ve seen the error of my ways,” stated Cindy Rawlings, a 53-year-old resident of Johnstown, PA.
“Thank god these hippies didn’t try to talk me, or understand me. Their constant veiled insults about my way of life on a platform that I had no idea about really changed my heart and mind,” said Steven Ware, a West Virginia coal miner, when asked about his sudden conversion.
“I was an under informed, Blue collar worker, who had no clear understanding of the issues. After decades of feeling pushed out by the system, and a vague understanding that globalism and those who were more educated than me would lead to my irrelevance in this country, I became swept up in a populist movement. I didn’t really care about what Trump said or did, I just wanted to feel like someone cared about me, someone that made my voice feel heard. It didn’t matter that the economic policies would only increase the strain on my family, I felt like I was important again,” Ware explained. He went on to say, “I didn’t actually hate Mexicans or Muslims. Honestly I’d never interacted with either. I’m sure they’re nice people. The only impression I have of them is that which I gained from watching Fox News, where they are portrayed as the number one economic and physical threat to my family. Thank the dear lord those hipsters attacked me behind my back for being racist, homophobic, sexist, xenophobic, and overall a cancer to society, otherwise I would’ve stayed entrenched in my antiquated views!”
Now that all of America’s complicated political tensions have been solved, doctors are beginning to close in on a cure for all diseases and ailments.