How Much of a Pussy-Loving Stud Is Your Newborn Son?

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Congrats! You just had a baby! (And double-congrats: it’s a boy. We know we’re technically not supposed to say that, but feminism hasn’t won yet!) You’ve entered into a tricky time where a lot of questions must be buzzing around your head about how to raise your baby boy or how long you can leave him in a diaper before it’s considered unethical. But the most pressing thing you’re wondering about is probably this: just how much of a ladykiller is that pussy-loving stud? Well, we’ve put together a guide to help you figure it out.

If your baby boy breastfeeds, then that is a sure sign he is a real tata-crazed chick magnet. Granted, he’s only breastfeeding for nutrients, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know his way around the goods. The verdict is in: your son is a real ladies’ man.

He’s definitely a playboy if he came out of a vagina. I mean what’s more masculine and manly than exiting lady parts after a nice long stay? Literally from the day he was born, your son has found himself at home in a vagina, and that speaks loud and clear that he is a snatch master. (Cesareans, don’t worry, there’s plenty more opportunities for you to make sure that your precious angel can really bang some honeys.)

Does your darling child wear shirts that say “I’m with the milf,” “15 week old playboy,” or “Fuck me, ladies”? Any of these, or similar sayings, printed on his clothing are hard evidence that baby likey the ladies.

When your baby boy starts pulling women’s hair, you can bet your bottom dollar that means he’s gonna get laid. Any baby who pulls hair is a regular Romeo, and you should really consider warning your friends who have baby girls to lock up their daughters, ‘cause your stud-muffin is loose on the town.

If at least 3 of your female friends have made comments about your son’s flirtation with them, you know he was born to munch box. If 5 or more friends have bragged about how your son is actively pursuing them on tinder, that kid is a babe magnet. And if more than 10 of your gal pals have said to your son in baby talk “are you smiling at me because I gave you a wittle boner- woner?”, then that boy can fuuuuuuuck.

Since your newborn baby boy is only an infant he can’t objectify women himself. Thank god your friends, family, acquaintances, work colleagues and strangers are here to help him out and objectify women on his behalf. Whether it’s your relatives commenting on how much he smiles at pretty girls, or your friends buying him little onesies that say stuff like “I love boobs”, all the signs point to the fact that your little man is already a bonafide Casanova. So, mama, rest easy knowing that your son is rearing to meet some ladies and tear up some pussies.

 

Juniper Woodbury is a comedy writer and feminist & humor blogger. She enjoys eating really fancy-looking food (bonus points if it tastes nice) and complaining about sexism. You can find more of her work at juniperwoodbury.com

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