Insecure Password

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Your password must be 10 characters in length and must contain 1 uppercase letter, 3 lowercase letters, 1 number, 1 special character, and 1 emoji.

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That won’t work.  I don’t know what emotion the grimace face is conveying. Happy? Sad? Constipated? Try a different emoji.

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The crying cat? Is everything okay? The laughing, crying cat would be one thing, but this is the crying, crying cat, who is actually shedding tears of sadness. Are you sure you’re emotionally ready to sign up for a dating site — I mean really? A cat? As a single woman you must know what message that sends. Did you recently go though a breakup? Is that why you’re sad? Sorry, none of my business. Let’s try again. Please enter your password now.

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Ok! We can accept the smiling poo emoji, since in other cultures it signifies good luck (and let’s face it– online dating can be pretty crappy AMIRTE?!). You probably think you’ll actually meet a nice person. Boy, are you in for a surprise! I probably shouldn’t mention the number of shirtless selfies you’ll see (taken in the bathroom with a urinal in the background, or a paper towel dispenser if he’s classy), or how many people are in open relationships, or that you might go out with guy who cancels your second date because his bike isn’t “clenching properly” (I don’t know what that means either, and since there are no other modes of transport in NYC aside from bicycles, I’m sure his excuse was totally legit!) Or you might go out with another guy who mentions his 15-year-old daughter’s “boobies” within five minutes of meeting you. But they’ll probably find someone before you do since there are so many more single women than men in NYC. Did you read that Tinder article in Vanity Fair? Guys are getting laid just by sending emojis! (That’s where I got the idea to include the emoji in the password, pretty smart, eh?) Actually don’t read the article, it will just depress you since the thesis is that relationships are dead! Why would you sign up for a dating site if relationships are dead?! Ha ha ha. And really, the Vanity Fair article was about a bunch of 25-year-olds so doesn’t apply to you because you’re over 40 now! Man, it’s hard to date after 40! (Don’t include any identifying information such as your birthday in your password.)

Good news—we’re almost there. However, I forgot to mention that with the three lower case letters, the second one should be a vowel so please try again (which is really too bad—you NAILED it with the special character–most people go with the # key, which isn’t considered a special character). Please enter your password now.

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Y??? Y??!!??? I tell you to enter a vowel and you choose Y? I know, I’m clever and you thought maybe I’d be impressed by “sometimes Y.”  Between the crying cat and your rudimentary grasp of English, I’m wondering if you’re a good candidate for online dating. When you create your profile, you should demonstrate that you know the difference between their and there, your and you’re, etc. But you chose Y, so maybe you can’t. And speaking of your profile, (assuming you can enter a password and get to it!) do you do yoga? Even if you don’t, be sure to include a picture in the pose where you’ve got one arm forward and are grabbing your foot and raising it up in the air with your other arm. It sounds awkward, but trust me, guys dig it because it shows you’re flexible (wink wink). Don’t even think of including a picture of you and a drugged tiger, or at the top of Machu Picchu. Wow, this is getting heated, but really, just trying to help. Plus, online dating requires a thick skin! Anyhoo, in the spirit of the fresh start you’re hoping to make by hopefully not but probably subjecting yourself to ridicule and rejection (not to mention dick picks!) by joining our 15 million users (in case you’re interested we are 40% male / 60% female nationally, but in NYC we are 2%male / 98%female)…

Please enter your password now.

Password must be 10 characters long and must contain 1 uppercase letter, 3 lowercase letters (one must be a vowel—not Y) 1 number, 1 special character, 1 emoji, and the third letter of the first day of your last period.

Speaking of periods, your eggs start to die after 30, as you’ve likely heard from your gynecologist, your mom, or a nosy aunt. Maybe even a concerned stranger has talked to you about freezing your eggs! “Don’t worry honey, you’ll meet him and you’ll have a family and not die alone. Freeze your eggs! You work in publishing so I’m sure you have $10,000 lying around. And you know, lots of ladies are freezing their eggs because of feminism!!!”

But I digress. Please enter your password now.

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WOW, you still get your period, that’s great! Maybe you’re only slowly shriveling up inside!  Congratulations!! You’ve successfully created a password and are now a member of livinghumanswithapulse.com.

Hey, so, you wanna go out sometime?

 

Sarah Moses works in book publishing and has previously been published in Modern Love. She lives in Brooklyn with one plant that she’s managed to keep alive for an entire month. She also has an unhealthy obsession with cheese and Pumpkin the Raccoon.

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