Dear ERNIE: I’m worried that I’m going to lose my health insurance and no longer be able to go to the doctor when I’m sick. What should I do if this happens? –WORRIED SICK
Dear WORRIED: There is little need for doctors. Most illnesses can be cured by drinking double whisky sours and looking out at the rain.
Dear ERNIE: My husband and I are recent parents and we would like to have a night out away from the baby, but we can’t afford a babysitter. What should we do? –TIRED OF STAYING HOME
Dear TIRED: Is there a cat in your home or one that wanders through the light-filled streets you have come to know well? The felines among us take immense pleasure in watching over children. In our days in Paris, Hadley and I often left Bumby with F. Puss and no unpleasant thing ever came to pass.
Dear ERNIE: I have been struggling to make it as a writer for several years. Most days I get up fairly early and write, but let’s be honest, some days I just spend the morning reading the dumpster fire du jour on Twitter. I’ve been submitting stories for years but I keep getting all these form rejection emails. My parents say I’m a great writer, but I’m getting frustrated. Do you think I will ever make it as a writer? –FRUSTRATED NOVELIST
Dear FRUSTRATED: No.
DEAR ERNIE: I love my wife, but I also think I am in love with a woman I see on the subway every day. We have never actually talked, but I’m still pretty sure she will be into me when I finally get her to take her earbuds out and look up from her phone. – CONFUSED IN LOVE
Dear CONFUSED: I am not sure this is a true dilemma as it likely does not matter which woman you choose. In my estimation, your wife is likely just the first of several more to come.
DEAR ERNIE: Every day, I bring a sandwich to work made from artisanal pickles and charcuterie I have whipped up myself, and half the time it disappears from the office fridge before I can even eat it. I think I know who is stealing it, should I confront her? –CUBICLE DWELLER IN SPRINGFIELD
Dear C.D.: It is hard to know. But if you go to the bullfights in Spain, you will likely find some answers. Or at least lots of damned good Spanish wine that you can drink from the bottle late into the afternoon.
Julie Vick’s humor writing has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Washington Post, and Parents magazine. She teaches writing at the University of Colorado Denver. You can read more of her work at julievick.com and follow her on Twitter.