I have been a vegan (on-again) for more than a decade. But I've been vegetarian since I was three, and I asked my mother where chicken nuggets came from and she told me. So there are very few meats that I have ever tried in my life. For example, a hamburger is a completely foreign concept to me (and not just because Hamburg is apparently in Germany. Although, apparently it is, and that lends a lot to what I think hamburgers taste like). Here is what I think all the Major Meats taste like, based on absolutely no real world experience of what these things taste like. Also, these are what I think the Major Meats are. I clearly don't know. I thought quail was a Major Meat until I realized that I haven't seen anyone eat quail except in Robin Hood: Men In Tights. Even then... was that quail?
Hamburger: This meat is German, and Nazis are German, so via the transitive property, I can tell that this is a very oppressive meat. I don't know a lot of oppressive foods (beets tend to be a little oppressive, actually, but otherwise I've got nothing to measure hamburgers against). They smell kind of like vaguely rotting gasoline. They also look like what I think of when people say, "That guy that died several months ago has come back to life and is oozing a rotting brain."* I can't understand why people eat hamburgers. This is a mystery.
Bacon: People who eat bacon say that bacon is amazing. It smells amazing, and it looks like all the good fried stuff that crusts off of healthy foods that have been fried (such as eggplant) -- just all the way through. It's pink and has stripes. Kevin Bacon is a terrific actor. Therefore, bacon must be like a maple doughnut made just for Barbie. Bacon is obviously the greatest of the meats.
Chicken: The namers of the meats didn't even bother to rename chicken! People long ago clearly didn't think very highly of chickens, or they would have at least come up with a euphemism for them when they are being eaten. Chicken looks like it tastes like chalk that's been left out in the rain. It doesn't smell like anything. Chicken is even less easy for me to understand than hamburgers, although apparently it can be healthy for you. Or healthier. So maybe that's one point for chicken. One point AGAINST chicken is that chickens are SO CUTE AND NICE AND HOW CAN YOU EAT THEM?
GRADE: D- (GRADE FOR ANIMAL VERSION: A)
We have now exhuasted all the meats I know offhand. I am turning to a Google search I did called "Types of Meat."
Pot Roast: Fun fact: I have also never consumed pot. The drug, I mean. Roast, though, sounds like "toast," so this one is probably good.
Tripe: I have no idea what tripe is. It sounds like a fairy character in A Midsummer Nights' Dream. It also sounds a little like "Skype." Based on the tiny image that appeared when I Googled Tripe, it is a tan-colored fungus-type of food. I'm a terrible vegan, I think, because I don't like any type of fungus, really. I'll force it down if I have to. Tripe tastes bad, and hurts the fairy population.
Venison: This must be some kind of penis. Right?
COULD NOT GRADE, NEED MORE INFORMATION
Blood Sausage: This is what comes out when you let a boy have sex with you while you are on your period.** Why would you eat that?
In conclusion, I don't understand meat at all. Except bacon.
* A common turn-of-phrase
** A common practice